This is one of the most common problems I come across as a dog trainer, the dog will work fine for me or another handler but won’t do the same for the owner. It is a frustrating situation because it isn’t a case of having the correct skills, or being a good or bad person. Sometimes we can fix this and sometimes we can’t, the key is changing the owner and in turn by that change the relationship between dog and owner improves. We see the dog loves the owner it just doesn’t take them seriously.
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I kind of think of this as what would someone you know and don’t respect have to do to win your respect? First of all, this person would have a history with you of behaviors that made you not trust them or you wouldn’t feel the way you do. Perhaps just a few interactions, maybe months or years of this behavior. If you had seen this person act in disrespectful ways for a long time, it will take a long time of changed behavior before you begin to believe the change. So to correlate to dog training the changes you put in place will need to be long term, and you will need to be consistent in the new behaviors. A day or two won’t cut it you will have to show that you’ve truly turned over a new leaf.
To win your respect a key thing would be for the person to treat you respectfully. Creating fear in you would not make you respect the person. To me respect and trust are tied together and so we must create an environment where there can be mutual respect. It might sound strange but when I’m creating this relationship of respect I don’t talk baby talk to the dog, I talk to the dog exactly as if it were an adult human. I try to be super respectful. Respect doesn’t form from babying or cuddling, and frankly sometimes emotional space must be created. If you are your dog’s emotional crutch, or your dog is your emotional crutch, you aren’t starting out from a healthy place, for some reason it is easier to respect someone that creates some of this space. In other words creating some healthy boundaries that show you respect yourself is a great way to help your dog respect you, or for anyone you meet to respect you more.
A major part of respect is being consistent and reliable. Talk the talk and walk the walk. So if you ask for something to be done, you’ve got to insist it happens. If you say you are going to do something, it must happen. Strangely we can even respect people we don’t really like if we see the qualities of consistency and integrity in their behaviors. This doesn’t mean being overbearing or losing your cool, it means methodically, persistently, doing what you said you would do.
So to recap I think the cornerstones of a respect filled relationship are:
1. Mutual respect – let it begin with you! Treat your dog respectfully, as a living being that thinks and in some ways more advanced than you are. If you don’t agree with this last statement try having a competition with your dog to see who can find a piece of bacon thrown out in the yard…
2. Creation of emotional space – Be willing to draw and enforce consistently boundaries on your personal space and impositions you allow.
3. Walk the walk, talk the talk – consistently insist on behaviors you request, and follow through on intent all the time. Be a reasonable person about what you ask however!
There are many specific tasks you can do in each of these areas, the mechanics of how to fix this, but I feel these are the overarching tasks you must undertake. I can help you with this in the Dallas Fort Worth area, or if you live elsewhere contact me via my website and I will research to find a trainer in your area.
